


In Which Veronica Gets the Memo

by random_flores



Category: Better Off Ted
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-24
Updated: 2010-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-24 23:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_flores/pseuds/random_flores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the company issues a new memo encouraging gay relationships, model executive Veronica leads the charge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Veronica Gets the Memo

Like all the crazy things that happened at Veridian, it started with a memo.

"The company wants us to turn gay?!" Linda asked, head in Ted's open door, eyes wide with disbelief, the offending piece of paper in her hand. "Are they insane?"

Ted was already rising out of his seat. "It has to be a typo."

"It's not a typo." Veronica's crisp voice behind Linda was startling. Dressed in a stunning tailored form-fitting suit, their beautiful boss arched a triumphant smirk at them both. "I knew you were coming so I saved you the trip," she told Ted, and then squared her shoulders. "The company feels that same sex couplings will save them money in the long run."

That same throb that began in the back of her head every time a memo was released began to pound.

"I shudder to ask," Linda said, crossing her arms in dread. "But how, exactly?"

"Isn't it obvious? Gays and Lesbians are seen as second class citizens. If we employ them we're not only seen as diverse, but welcoming! And we don't have to worry about benefits because getting married is against the law. Then the company will be seen as conservative, but liberal! It's genius, isn't it?"

Linda closed her eyes and tried to count to ten. When she opened them, she discovered Veronica studying her cleavage. "Linda, I don't think I've ever told you before, but you're quite stunning."

A panicked glance to Ted had him straightening his tie and sighing in exasperation. "Veronica."

"Ted, the company wants the executives to lead the charge."

He frowned. "What does that mean?"

"What do you think it means?" Veronica motioned behind them, where Jim Pennys, a thin man with manicured nails and Bare Minerals foundation, waved discretely. "Get going. You're halfway there already."

"What does THAT mean?"

"Well come on, Ted. That suit and those shoes? You might as well be listed on Rentboy.com."

Linda frowned, and eyed the incredibly dapper, handsome Ted. "And now I'm picturing it. Huh. It's kinda scary how easy that was to conjure up."

Ted went pale. "This is crazy! You can't just send a memo and ask everyone to go gay!"

"Oh come off it, Ted. The company can ask an employee to do anything if it sends the right memo. Remember the 'Fling Your Dog To Work Day' Memo?"

The memory of the typo that caused the near massacre and avalanche of over a hundred defenseless puppies caused a shudder to run down Linda's spine. "Why did you have to remind me? I was wiping Jenkin's poodle off my car for weeks!"

Veronica grinned, her white teeth glinting. "My point exactly. Linda, meet me in my office. I have something I'd like to discuss with you."

Before Linda could think of a good enough excuse to not be there, Veronica swiveled on her heel and walked down the hallway, like Spartacus going to war.

A flutter of fear hit Linda in a place that made her terrified and a little squirmy. "Why do I get the feeling this meeting has to do with this memo?" When Ted didn't respond, she looked to discover a look on his face that reminded her of a deer right before it was going to get shot. "Ted!"

He blinked, shook his head valiantly, and took a breath. "Relax," he said, patting her reassuringly. "Veronica isn't gay. No matter what the Company says, she's not going to want to date you." He stared nervously at Pennys. "Now quick, how do you tell a guy no means no and not have it come off like it means yes?"

\--

"I think we should date!"

Settled in Veronica's office, hands over her palms, Linda opened her mouth to respond, but found nothing came out but a squeak.

Veronica grinned triumphantly. "Speechless, aren't you? It's quite an honor, I know."

"-no!" Feeling suddenly sweaty, Linda jerked out of her chair. "Look, Veronica, obviously I think you're very beautiful, but I just don't think of you that way! And this is ridiculous! It's just a memo!"

Perched behind her desk, Veronica's eyes narrowed dangerously. "It's not _just_ a memo, Linda! It's a company memo. To save us money! And the company loves it's money. And as employees we must do our duty to do what the company says." Her eyes glittered. "You do want to be a good employee, don't you Linda?"

"Of course I do, but-" Under the weight of Veronica's glare, Linda found herself flustered as she sank back down in her seat. "I just- it's just-Veronica- Why me?!"

"It's not that crazy of an idea, is it?" Veronica rose out of her seat, and like a tiger stalking her prey, perched on the edge of her desk, pinning Linda with her stare. "You're attractive. You're also weak and will never threaten me or my dominant role in this relationship. And you're the only woman I actually speak to without wanting to strangle someone." Veronica's eyes took on a faraway glassy gaze. "That should be legal. Maybe some day, it will be."

Linda took in a deep breath and prayed that sanity would save her. "Veronica, we aren't gay!"

"What's gay about it?"

"What's gay about turning gay?" she scrambled to her feet. "Tell me you're kidding!"

"Not remotely. So there are breasts and vaginas involved, so what? I find the idea intriguing. And as for the lack of a penis, well – I've been researching into the subject and there are huge plastic ones that are removable!" Veronica's eyes practically gleamed in excitement. "Do you have any idea how much I've wanted to do that. Just grab a man's penis and take it with me? Otherwise I have no use for them!"

Linda frowned and considered the idea. "Yeah, I can see the appeal."

"So it's a date. Tonight at 8. Wear something flashy."

"I didn't say I would date you."

Veronica laughed. Linda stared at her. "Oh, you're serious."

"Yes, I'm serious-"

"Oh for heaven's sake."

Before Linda could quite protest, Veronica had taken both her arms in a vise grip and pulled her tight against her. With the strength and finesse that rivaled Linda's last boyfriend, Veronica lowered her head and planted her lips against hers.

Linda's muffled meep did nothing to stop the assault, and only helped Veronica plunge a very determined tongue between her lips.

It was damn surprising that once the shock that it was VERONICA kissing her faded away, it was quite nice. Linda discovered her eyes closing, her knees going weak, and a fluttery sensation that came over her when Veronica's tongue did some fantastic thing against hers.

When Veronica finally lifted her head, Linda's lips tingled, and she was light-headed. Despite herself, as her eyes floated open, a besotted expression floated dreamily onto her face.

Veronica nodded resolutely, and stepped away, heading for her desk. "8 PM, Linda. Don’t be late."

\--

And so, somehow despite herself, Linda found herself in a lesbian relationship with Veronica Palmer.

It was a little like trying to navigate a puzzle, with dead stops and traps with cheese laid out in front of her.

But the sex was damn fantastic. Veronica was right – there WAS something to be said for a removable penis that you could take wherever you went, and there was DEFINITELY something to be said for the natural ease that Veronica took to using it.

"Linda," she said as she stopped by her cubicle, one day and one month after their first date. "Come to my house tonight. I've found a penis that inserts in my vagina so I can fuck you with it and feel penetration myself. It will be fantastic." She smiled at her own prowess, and then, in afterthought, nodded to the other people with Linda. "Lem. Phil."

Veronica strode away.

The vial of the solution that would forever change primary colors by making things white again even after a speck of dark had been added to it, nearly a year of work and worth millions of dollars, slipped from Lem's catatonic fingers, and stained Linda's black shirt.

\--

"This has got to stop." Wearing an expression that seemed almost petulant, Ted drummed his fingers on his desk. "Seriously, Linda. Do you know that there is an office poll sent out in outlook asking who the hotter couple is? You and Veronica or Brad and Angelina?"

"That's disgusting!" Linda leaned forward. "Are we winning?" Ted glared at her. "Not the point, right."

"It's been four months! The gay memo has come and gone! And thank GOD!" he added, "I made four guys cry in one day! One offered to pay me!" He shrugged, looking a little proud of himself. "It's always nice to know I have a back up plan." Linda's brow furrowed. He saw it and refocused. "The point is, it's okay to stop! You don't have to go along with it anymore!"

"I can't stop!" she protested helplessly. "Veronica's our boss! I can't dump her! And the sex is fantastic!" she added, in an excited whisper. "Holy crap!" Ted issued a mortified groan and covered his face with his hand. She straightened her expression. "Sorry."

"You know this is a bad idea." Ted's voice was stern. "You know WHY this is a bad idea."

Linda sighed. "Because Veronica's a dictator who will murder me if I cross her? Because it can't go anywhere healthy and the thrill of being with a woman might actually fade because we're not really gay and then we'll just be two heterosexual woman having really awesome sex?"

The color in Ted's face drained slightly. "Something with a little less focus on the sex."

Linda sighed. "I know. I do. But I can't break up with her! She'll murder me!" She frowned. "I supposed I could bring up the marriage, commitment, babies angle."

"Do it." Ted's expression was stern. "You're sitting on a time bomb."

Feeling sullen, Linda crossed her legs and glared at him. "At least I managed to ride that stallion more than once."

Stunned, he opened his mouth, and then shut it again, frowning. "That was uncalled for," he said, small and hurt.

"Whatever," Linda grumbled. "I have to go scare off the best sex I've ever had. I hate you, Ted."

\--

"Veronica," she said, entering her office at five minutes to six. "I need to see you."

Glancing up, Veronica stared at her, then at the clock. "I suppose it's a little early, but I can take a break. Lock the door," she added, and began to unbutton her blouse.

"No!" Linda said, rushing forward to stop the strip tease. "I mean actually talk!" Her eyes lingered on Veronica's fantastic cleavage. "Oh my God, is that bra new?" Catching herself, she shut her eyes and kept her hands to herself. "No! I mean, we need to talk! About babies!"

She squeaked one eye open. How Veronica still managed to keep her dignity with her shirt untucked and unbuttoned, and her beautiful black lace bra on display was beyond Linda, but it was damn sexy. "Linda, talking about babies is hardly foreplay. I thought we had discussed that when you started using cowboy terminology during sex."

Linda flushed at the memory of her astride Veronica, hips pushing and begging to ride Veronica like a bronco. "I know. I mean I think it's time we talk about our future."

Veronica's head tilted. She frowned. "Our future."

"Yes! I think it's time we think about it. We should live together. And have a baby! Because I need commitment. I'm not getting any younger, you know!"

Veronica frowned. "Yes, that's true," she agreed, as if the thought hadn't occurred to her.

Linda found herself affronted. "Hey!"

Veronica crossed her arms, lost in thought. "You know?" she said after a moment. "You may have something here. I've read a study and it turns out that married executives rise at a faster rate than unmarried ones." Immediately seeing where this was going, Linda felt her insides clench. "The ones with hot wives and babies move even faster, " Veronica mused.

"Oh, no," she breathed, and tried to stop it. "Veronica-"

"Let's do it!" Veronica smile was blinding. "Way to take the initiative, Linda! I'll have my assistant pick out the rings! And then we'll get to work on that baby thing!"

Feeling like she had just been flattened with a steam roller, Linda could only squeak, "What?"

"But first!" Veronica began to shrug off her shirt, and reached for her skirt, pulling down the zipper on the side.

"Wait," Linda found herself babbling. "Veronica. I think that we-"

Veronica reached behind her and unsnapped her bra. Her breasts cascaded into freedom. It was glorious. With strong strides, Veronica stepped forward and with nails slicking underneath her shirt, began to undress her.

"Um," Linda managed, light-headed. "Okay, then."

\--

"You're engaged?!" Ted nearly shouted, startling her so much her pens went flying. Ted's eyes were wild as he waved the memo over her cubicle.

Linda shrugged meekly. "It kinda just happened." Self consciously, she smoothed her hair behind her ear. The glint of light that sparkled off her engagement finger caught Ted's focus. His face went white.

"Tell me that's not-"

Unable to help herself, Linda grinned widely. "Isn't it amazing?!" she pushed out her hand and inspected the huge rock. "Veronica's assistant has awesome taste."

"You can't… this isn't…" Ted's eyes nearly crossed themselves. "Are you crazy?"

Linda's smile trembled. "Actually, I meant to come find you. This isn't actually the worst part."

Ted hung over her desk, lost and spent. "What could be worse?"

Linda hesitated.

\--

"I've found us a baby!" Veronica told her, waking her up early Saturday morning, bouncing on the bed like an excited child.

Naked and bleary eyed, Linda covered herself with the sheet and looked up at her nearly robotic girlfriend. "Did you even sleep last night?"

"I had too much energy." Veronica shrugged. "So I went to the gun range and blew the head off some plastic dummies. Really took the edge off. Anyways, I found us a baby."

It was kind of scary how much she was getting used Veronica's intensity. With a smile, she reached for Veronica's hand and tangled their fingers, listening for Veronica's latest master plan.

"Tell me," she said.

Veronica squeezed back. "We adopt Rose!"

\--

"ROSE?!" This time, Ted's shout did crescendo off the walls, and the entire office went quiet. Linda shrunk a little in her seat. "What makes her think she can adopt Rose?"

Linda had the essentials memorized, "She's already past all the yucky poopy baby stuff, she sleeps through the night, she's brilliant, and she doesn't have a mom." Linda shrugged. "You have to admit it makes sense."

"She has a DAD!" Ted shrieked.

"And this way she'll have two moms too!" Linda said helpfully. Ted just sputtered. She sighed. "Relax, I told her it's crazy. We won't try and adopt Rose."

"You can't adopt Rose!"

"Veronica has ten lawyers that say otherwise," Linda said helpfully.

"I don't care!" A finger pointed at her nose. "You can't take Rose! She's MINE!" He stomped away, only to turn back a second later and drop to his knees in her cubicle. "Please don’t let her take Rose."

Linda rolled her eyes and patted his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry. I've got a plan."

\--

"This is stupid."

"It's fool proof!"

"That's what you said about the babies and commitment spiel and now you're a lesbian engaged to Veronica whose trying to adopt Rose!"

Linda frowned. "A fluke."

With Ted by her side, she stepped into the stark whiteness of the lab.

"Lem, Phil!" Linda smiled sweetly.

Lem pushed his glasses up his nose. "We were not discussing how hot lesbians are. Just in case you were wondering."

Ted sighed.

\--

Linda poked her head in Veronica's office. "Do you have a sec?"

Veronica arched a disapproving brow. "Again today? You're like a cat in heat. Allright, but it's going to be a quickie-"

"No, Veronica-" Linda entered and closed the door behind her, shaking her head in amusement as she moved around the desk and placed her hands on Veronica's, already working at her blazer. "This time I mean, really talk. We need to talk about Rose."

"The meeting with the lawyers is at five."

"We're not going to adopt Rose," Linda said firmly, setting on the corner of the desk and smiling affectionately. "I realize she's the only child you actually like, but she's Ted's."

"He can share!" Veronica said resolutely. "I'll make him!"

"No you won't, because you like Ted, and you think he's a good father." Linda's hands smoothed into Veronica's palms, until they were tangled loosely between them. "And you agree with me."

Veronica's lips pursed, giving it some thought. She grimaced. "But I've already made the appointment with the lawyers… you know how I hate to waste a good idea…" Unable to help herself, Linda unhooked her palm and leaned over to gently curve her knuckles against Veronica's silky smooth cheek. "What are you doing?!"

"I love you," Linda admitted, helpless. "Do you know that?"

Veronica blinked, and actually looked stunned. "… really?"

Shrugging, Linda nodded. "Absolutely. And you love me too."

Her lover's head tilted, processing the very idea as if it were alien and strange. "That would explain why I've been getting all sorts of strange palpitations in my chest when you're around. I told my doctor it was an allergy and to cure it. He didn't. I had him fired. Damn. There goes that itchy thing in my chest that feels like guilt."

With a bitten in, resigned sigh, Linda just leaned forward and kissed Veronica, feeling Veronica's lips open under hers, offer her a taste that was intoxicating and passionate.

When she lifted her head, she was settled in Veronica's lap, with long fingers tangled in Veronica's golden tresses, her perfect bun now in disarray. Veronica eyed her suspiciously. "Love, you say?"

Head cocking affectionately, Linda's eyes sparkled. "'Fraid so."

"Interesting." Veronica let the feeling sink in. "It feels like a disease, but a good one."

Holding in her laugh, Linda bent her head to kiss her again, only to be interrupted when Veronica's door burst open.

"Veronica, I'm not letting you take Rose!" Ted ranted, before he realized what he had interrupted. "Oh. Sorry." Behind him, Lem and Phil looked like wide-eyed bush babies. "But you can't take Rose!"

Veronica's hand settled on Linda's thigh. "The meeting with the lawyers is at 5, Ted. Didn't you get the invite?"

"Okay," Linda held her hands out like a referee. "No one is going to take Rose."

"I didn't promise that," Veronica snapped.

"I have a better idea," Linda said, keeping her in her seat with an arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Veronica, just hear me out." Her eyes motioned meaningfully to Lem and Phil. "Guys?"

Phil issued a strangled yelp, and Lem politely excused himself, his clipboard covering the front of his groin.

Ted's lips pursed together. "He'll be right back."

\--

When Lem, Phil, and the doctor Veronica hired (after she fired him for misdiagnosing her love palpitations) successfully fertilized Linda's egg with sperm created with Veronica's DNA, it was a medical breakthrough that earned them a Nobel Prize, and gave Linda and Veronica Palmer the first baby conceived without the aid of a man.

"Congratulations," Ted told Linda, playing with the perfectly formed fingers of her newborn baby as he sat in the hospital room. "You two have successfully managed to make men completely obsolete, and got the company to pay for it."

Beside him, Rose touched little Nathan gingerly. "He looks like a raisin."

Spent and a little groggy from the drugs, Linda grinned weakly. "Hard to believe that all this came from a memo designed to SAVE the company money, isn't it?"

"Well, it's a miracle. The company should be proud. They did a great thing for gay couples."

"The company will deny all knowledge." Despite the fact that she had spent the last twelve hours coaxing her (now legal) wife through labor, Veronica looked completely put together. Linda almost hated her for it. "It's true," she said, when they looked at her. "The men upstairs feel that releasing this sort of medical technology to the general public will cause some sort of male panic. And they don't want anything to do with something that makes men obsolete. As for the raisin thing," she added to Rose, as she settled beside Linda, taking hold of her hand. "I'm told it goes away. If not I've made a consultation with a plastic surgeon."

Linda frowned, ready to protest when Ted piped up, "Have you two seen the new Memo?"

FIN


End file.
